satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
You Might Also Like
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko