I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
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(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.