I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
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Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.