Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
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Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
This makes total sense…
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats