taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
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Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Doctors texting each other.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Sending in my taxes
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
tis the season
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
why isn’t thunder called soundning
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Danger is very dangerous
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf