“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
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“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Taliband
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts