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Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Breaking news:
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
The three genders
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”