Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
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I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
opening twitter today
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it