if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
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Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please