“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
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In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I’m calling the cops.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
What a chick magnet..
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
good work, detective
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.