“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
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Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.