Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
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Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*