Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
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This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.