She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
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Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls