INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
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BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Support your local cemetery
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.