Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
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Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.