Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
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Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
it is time once again
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?