When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
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MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
i could never be president. im overqualified.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
taking June’s advice to heart
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Me, flirting😏
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?