I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
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Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I put the mess in domestic.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
#Caturday
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry