Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
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Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
that’s really how it is
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
girls literally only want one thing..
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous