Warm pools make me nervous.
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I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this