M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
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I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.