*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
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People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[eulogy]
line?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water