[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
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the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
This came to me in a dream.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.