*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
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Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Mad Max Arctic Road
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
X-tra spooky blend
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…