Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
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Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.