[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
You Might Also Like
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o