Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
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I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
necessity is the mother of invention
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”