My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
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my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Finally
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.