The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
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Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon