It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
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receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Meat Cute
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
my name if I was in the mob