[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
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Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.