If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
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Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Vodka burrito was a success
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n