Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
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blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”