“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
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a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
britain’s three elite institutions
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”