an octopus is just a wet spider
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The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Human are so complicated
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.