Don’t we all.
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INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
watergate? u mean a dam??
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not