Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
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sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
My dress code is business-casualty.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
The best shot in the history of golf
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.