Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
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SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.