Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
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I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I gave up going to work for lent.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation