If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
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Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers