I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
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Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.