Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
moms in horror movies
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog