*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
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Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did