i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
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What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
United Steaks of America
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I love it all
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”