completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
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I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.