My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
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Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no