“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
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Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-