Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
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Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another