Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
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feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.